Last night in I got a check from my mom for $200.
"$ is partial payment for the summer we lived with you! :)"
Which seems really nice, except, you know, I just don't trust anything from her not to be an attempt to either make me open myself up to her or, alternately, a passive-aggressive jab make me feel crappy for not giving her my whole heart. Blech. I have mother issues, man.
"Take care and remember -- we love you."
I should probably just accept all it at face value; a kind gesture, tucked into an envelope with a form letter and a picture of my half-brother. But what can I say? I'm suspicious, I'm on guard. And, yeah, yeah, yeah: I also know that she's living paycheck to paycheck, and I'm not. So I tore up the check, and I sent her a friendly email to thank her and tell her it wasn't necessary and catch her up on as much of my life as I'm comfortable with.
Email is so much safer than phone calls or even handwritten letters, I think. It betrays so much less, it's easier to edit and censor and distill.
Anyways. I'm pretty much going to use this community as a communication log, because ... because it makes me feel crazy to be wobbled by every little thing. And because when I mention it to my husband, he always makes the Sympathy Face and hugs me, and while I APPRECIATE it, sometimes I just want to SAY what happened and pretend that I'm not attaching emotion to it. Sometimes I'm NOT attaching emotion to it. It's just so RIDICULOUS. Sometimes I don't want sympathy, I just want to let it out so it's not trapped inside.