Adult Children of Crazy Mother Syndrome

Mail Call
& i saw stars ...
Last night in I got a check from my mom for $200.

"$ is partial payment for the summer we lived with you! :)"

Which seems really nice, except, you know, I just don't trust anything from her not to be an attempt to either make me open myself up to her or, alternately, a passive-aggressive jab make me feel crappy for not giving her my whole heart. Blech. I have mother issues, man.

"Take care and remember -- we love you."

I should probably just accept all it at face value; a kind gesture, tucked into an envelope with a form letter and a picture of my half-brother. But what can I say? I'm suspicious, I'm on guard. And, yeah, yeah, yeah: I also know that she's living paycheck to paycheck, and I'm not. So I tore up the check, and I sent her a friendly email to thank her and tell her it wasn't necessary and catch her up on as much of my life as I'm comfortable with.

Email is so much safer than phone calls or even handwritten letters, I think. It betrays so much less, it's easier to edit and censor and distill.

Anyways. I'm pretty much going to use this community as a communication log, because ... because it makes me feel crazy to be wobbled by every little thing. And because when I mention it to my husband, he always makes the Sympathy Face and hugs me, and while I APPRECIATE it, sometimes I just want to SAY what happened and pretend that I'm not attaching emotion to it. Sometimes I'm NOT attaching emotion to it. It's just so RIDICULOUS. Sometimes I don't want sympathy, I just want to let it out so it's not trapped inside.

Distance Is My Saving Grace
& i saw stars ...
So of COURSE she wants to move closer.

I recently learned that the first time my mother ditched me was when I was six months old. She left me with my father to shack up with some other fellow, and didn't come back (not once) until I was a year old. I kind of hold on to that as my "origin story," being my own superhero and all.

In summary: a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, divorced from my father a stunning THREE separate times (some people never learn), infidelities during the periods she WAS married to him, mental illness, hospitalization, abandonment and eventually losing/giving up custody on all of us. Oh yes, and she "found God" along the way, and now besides being a creepy drunk drug addict, she's a creepy drunk super Christian drug addict. Awesome! She has, more than once and for no reason, gone half a year or more without contacting any of us. She forgets or ignores holidays, birthdays, graduations, weddings. She's never paid a penny in support to my father, who took custody of three small children and an angry teenager when she decided that she "couldn't do it anymore." She is a absolute deadbeat mother, and if she were a father, no one would blink if I cut her off completely.

Now she wants to move to Texas (from Nebraska). The more her phone calls and emails go unanswered -- and they do, because if she isn't drunk, she's manic, and if she isn't manic, she's hyper-religious, and hey, sometimes you get all three -- the more desperately she clings to the idea that her physical presence in our lives will make up for her emotional absence for all these years. My sister, who is my very best friend, says that she will move out of state if our mother decides to come down here, and man. That makes me just sick to think of. To lose my sister in exchange for my mother? What a bum fucking deal.

And that's where I stand today. I deleted another drunk voicemail from her last night, and haven't been able to make myself respond via email. Because I don't know how to tell her the TRUTH about how I feel, I essentially don't know how to tell her ANYTHING AT ALL.

Most of the time I'm "okay." You know, until she calls or writes. And then I get all trembly and angry and helpless.

baby kiss
Welcome to the Crazy Mother Club. Feel free to rant about anything you want related to your childhood, your CURRENT life, and even your own fears about what you face now or in the future being a Mother as it related to how you were raised.

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