Adult Children of Crazy Mother Syndrome

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& i saw stars ...
fortytwostars wrote in crazymotherclub
Last night in I got a check from my mom for $200.

"$ is partial payment for the summer we lived with you! :)"

Which seems really nice, except, you know, I just don't trust anything from her not to be an attempt to either make me open myself up to her or, alternately, a passive-aggressive jab make me feel crappy for not giving her my whole heart. Blech. I have mother issues, man.

"Take care and remember -- we love you."

I should probably just accept all it at face value; a kind gesture, tucked into an envelope with a form letter and a picture of my half-brother. But what can I say? I'm suspicious, I'm on guard. And, yeah, yeah, yeah: I also know that she's living paycheck to paycheck, and I'm not. So I tore up the check, and I sent her a friendly email to thank her and tell her it wasn't necessary and catch her up on as much of my life as I'm comfortable with.

Email is so much safer than phone calls or even handwritten letters, I think. It betrays so much less, it's easier to edit and censor and distill.

Anyways. I'm pretty much going to use this community as a communication log, because ... because it makes me feel crazy to be wobbled by every little thing. And because when I mention it to my husband, he always makes the Sympathy Face and hugs me, and while I APPRECIATE it, sometimes I just want to SAY what happened and pretend that I'm not attaching emotion to it. Sometimes I'm NOT attaching emotion to it. It's just so RIDICULOUS. Sometimes I don't want sympathy, I just want to let it out so it's not trapped inside.

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I don't blame you for being suspicious. I would too. That would be after I picked myself up off the ground from the fact my mother sent me money. And I would tear it up too since I know she can't afford it.

Brian will get into the 'I have to fix it' mode which is just upsetting as he CAN'T fix it, sometimes I just have to vent. I don't expect it to be fixed.

Yeah, Troy wants to fix it. And it's nothing that can be fixed. It's just ... it is what it is.

Sometimes part of me thinks I'm being unfair, and should accept her attempts as genuine, but dang. EVERY time I "get over it" and try to have an engaged relationship with her, it gets all weird and crazy and she lets me down again.

Trust me I know exactly what you mean.. At one point I thought she really was 'better' and I was soooooooo wrong.

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