Adult Children of Crazy Mother Syndrome

Distance Is My Saving Grace
& i saw stars ...
fortytwostars wrote in crazymotherclub
So of COURSE she wants to move closer.

I recently learned that the first time my mother ditched me was when I was six months old. She left me with my father to shack up with some other fellow, and didn't come back (not once) until I was a year old. I kind of hold on to that as my "origin story," being my own superhero and all.

In summary: a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, divorced from my father a stunning THREE separate times (some people never learn), infidelities during the periods she WAS married to him, mental illness, hospitalization, abandonment and eventually losing/giving up custody on all of us. Oh yes, and she "found God" along the way, and now besides being a creepy drunk drug addict, she's a creepy drunk super Christian drug addict. Awesome! She has, more than once and for no reason, gone half a year or more without contacting any of us. She forgets or ignores holidays, birthdays, graduations, weddings. She's never paid a penny in support to my father, who took custody of three small children and an angry teenager when she decided that she "couldn't do it anymore." She is a absolute deadbeat mother, and if she were a father, no one would blink if I cut her off completely.

Now she wants to move to Texas (from Nebraska). The more her phone calls and emails go unanswered -- and they do, because if she isn't drunk, she's manic, and if she isn't manic, she's hyper-religious, and hey, sometimes you get all three -- the more desperately she clings to the idea that her physical presence in our lives will make up for her emotional absence for all these years. My sister, who is my very best friend, says that she will move out of state if our mother decides to come down here, and man. That makes me just sick to think of. To lose my sister in exchange for my mother? What a bum fucking deal.

And that's where I stand today. I deleted another drunk voicemail from her last night, and haven't been able to make myself respond via email. Because I don't know how to tell her the TRUTH about how I feel, I essentially don't know how to tell her ANYTHING AT ALL.

Most of the time I'm "okay." You know, until she calls or writes. And then I get all trembly and angry and helpless.

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