Adult Children of Crazy Mother Syndrome

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Distance Is My Saving Grace
& i saw stars ...
fortytwostars wrote in crazymotherclub
So of COURSE she wants to move closer.

I recently learned that the first time my mother ditched me was when I was six months old. She left me with my father to shack up with some other fellow, and didn't come back (not once) until I was a year old. I kind of hold on to that as my "origin story," being my own superhero and all.

In summary: a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, divorced from my father a stunning THREE separate times (some people never learn), infidelities during the periods she WAS married to him, mental illness, hospitalization, abandonment and eventually losing/giving up custody on all of us. Oh yes, and she "found God" along the way, and now besides being a creepy drunk drug addict, she's a creepy drunk super Christian drug addict. Awesome! She has, more than once and for no reason, gone half a year or more without contacting any of us. She forgets or ignores holidays, birthdays, graduations, weddings. She's never paid a penny in support to my father, who took custody of three small children and an angry teenager when she decided that she "couldn't do it anymore." She is a absolute deadbeat mother, and if she were a father, no one would blink if I cut her off completely.

Now she wants to move to Texas (from Nebraska). The more her phone calls and emails go unanswered -- and they do, because if she isn't drunk, she's manic, and if she isn't manic, she's hyper-religious, and hey, sometimes you get all three -- the more desperately she clings to the idea that her physical presence in our lives will make up for her emotional absence for all these years. My sister, who is my very best friend, says that she will move out of state if our mother decides to come down here, and man. That makes me just sick to think of. To lose my sister in exchange for my mother? What a bum fucking deal.

And that's where I stand today. I deleted another drunk voicemail from her last night, and haven't been able to make myself respond via email. Because I don't know how to tell her the TRUTH about how I feel, I essentially don't know how to tell her ANYTHING AT ALL.

Most of the time I'm "okay." You know, until she calls or writes. And then I get all trembly and angry and helpless.

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Wow, I didn't know your mom left you at 6 months until a year. :(

Dude, I didn't know until a little while back. It surprised me, but then it kind of made some old stories and comments and events *click*.

Oh crazy moms. I very frequently wonder how our generation made it to this point at ALL.

Oh geez, girl *big hugs* It might be time to tell her how you feel, if you keep it inside you're just hurting yourself and leading her on. It may be the release she needs from your life, ya know? After abandoning so many things, I wouldn't be surprised if she's testing you to see if you're going to love her unconditionally and help her or let her fly off on her own crazy tangent.

If it were ONLY me, that might be it, but she feels like she "needs to be closer" to me, my four siblings, and my dad, who I think she is trying to reunite with. She is especially fixated on the aforementioned sister right now, who hasn't spoken with her in two years.

PS: What up, yo? I love how everyone I know has a fucked up mom.

Wow. /huggles

You are right though, people seem far more supportive of this odd need that people have to cut their fathers out of their lives. As if it's always men that are the 'bad guys'.

Do you feel like you can't tell her the truth because it'll hurt her feelings? Even though she's repeatedly hurt your feelings (to put it mildly).. Or is it another reason? I have gotten fairly good about telling my Mother what's up, but I still often soften it for fear of hurting her feelings. Not that that is hard to do.. but anyhow. :)

Well you must be a super hero to turn out to be a rad chick without a good rad chick influence!

Maybe it IS because I don't want to hurt her feelings? But it's also history saying that she'll either not hear me (alcohol and religion are both hell on the ears) or that she will FREAK. OUT. on me, & then it's this whole dramarama guilt-trip screamy scene, and ... man. UGH. I really just want to not deal? I guess I'm kind of ummmm a coward. It's just that I feel so checked out of it most of the time, and I LIKE that. When things get emotional with her, I don't feel like I have control of myself. So I guess, as much as I'm "protecting" her, I'm protecting myself, too. I don't like who I am when I get involved with my mother. Aaaaaaaaaand that is how I'm now so very awesome -- I've gotten enough distance from her that I'm not wrapped up in HER shitty life anymore, and I can just be me: kind of chill and kind of uptight and sober and happy and not repeating her mistakes anymore.

YAY NOVEL ABOUT MY CRAPPY MOM!

I feel like I really do know where you're coming from. Contact from my Mother can turn me into another person. Perhaps 1 in 10 times I talk to her I feel fine, and perhaps 1 in 100 I actually feel good. Many times I end up crying on Brian's shoulder, ha. It sounds like your situation is worse but what you're telling me resonates with me a lot.

I don't know if my situation is any worse than anyone else's, just different. At the core of it, we're all dealing with selfish, stunted, emotionally manipulative women. And we're all SHOCKINGLY normal and well-adjusted in spite of it.

This is true. We must be.. AWESOME!

(And, selfish is probably the term most often used to describe my Mother, next to 'victim')

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